How to set boundaries with your kids
By Mercedes Oromendia, our Chief Clinical Officer
The importance of setting boundaries with your kids and how to make them clear
Why are boundaries important?
How often have you caved into your kid?
We have all been there! Keeping boundaries is so important... but it’s easier said than done… Keep reading, because we’ll give you the lowdown on rules and effective strategies for consequences (not punishments).
Just like kids need routines to keep them healthy and rules to keep them safe, they need boundaries to feel secure. Kids actually feel insecure when they don't have clear limits. And insecurity can lead to anxiety and behavior issues! That is why in times of uncertainty kids can have a full-on meltdown :)
Secure, consistent boundaries set by parents create predictability in your child's life. Predictability reduces uncertainty, and that, in turn, reduces anxiety. Setting boundaries and expectations for children also help them build life skills such as; patience, problem-solving, responsibility, and self-discipline. Basically, it prepares them for the real world!
Now that doesn’t mean kids won’t push your boundaries; they definitely will. Your kids testing your boundaries is expected and totally normal. This is how they learn just how far they can push limits. So it’s important that you stick to the rules that you’ve set, if not, you’re teaching them that rules don’t mean a thing.
5 tips to set clear boundaries 🙅♀️
1️⃣ Involve your kids in boundary setting.
Have a family meeting and get everyone involved in setting the boundaries. When children share ownership of the rules, they’re more invested and more likely to follow them. For example, have a meeting about family screen time (and yes, that means even the adults have to put their phones down).
2️⃣ Be consistent.
Don't flip-flop on what the boundaries are. If you're saying no TV right before bed, but you cave in the next evening, you are sending a clear message to your child that your boundaries don't mean much and can be changed by them. Make your expectations clear and stick to them.
3️⃣ Employ natural consequences.
Try to enforce consequences related to their action (or lack thereof) rather than punishments. For example, if your kid did not clean their room, the natural consequence would be missing out on playtime while they clean their room.
4️⃣ Praise appropriate behavior.
Too often we come down on violations like a ton of bricks and never pay attention to what’s going well. Make an effort to praise your kids when things are going well and they listen right away. Say: “Thank you so much for cleaning up your room. I know you wanted to play, so I really appreciate you helping out.”
5️⃣ Be patient.
Don't expect kids to get it right away. You may have to give your child a few friendly reminders before it sinks in that inappropriate behavior will lead to a consequence they do not want. Practice makes perfect, and boundaries, like anything else, may need to be given a few tries before your kid remembers what they are supposed to do.
