How to respond when your kid hurts your feelings
By Mercedes Oromendia, our Chief Clinical Officer
What to do when your kid hurts your feelings and how to respond to statements like “I hate you!”
We've all been there. You've said or done something your kid didn't like and they respond with something like "I hate you!" or "You're not my mom/dad anymore!" and it really hurts your feelings.
Trust me, you're not alone and it's normal to feel a little hurt. We try our best to make sure our kids live a happy and fulfilled life, so how could they say something so mean?
Even though your kid has said something really hurtful, it doesn't really mean they hate you or no longer want you to be their parent. Instead, it usually indicates that they're mad, sad, embarrassed, confused, or upset about something. They just don't know how else to express it.
Believe it or not, how you respond to hurtful statements is a great opportunity to teach your kid how to regulate their big emotions and feelings.
What to do when your kid hurts your feelings
Pause, take a deep breath, and stay calm. Take a second before doing or saying anything and try to gauge how emotionally charged you are feeling. It’s fine to not respond right away, particularly if you need time and space to compose yourself. It's a perfect opportunity to model how we can stay calm and use coping strategies rather than impulsively reacting. Odds are, if your kid said something hurtful, their emotions are running high too.
Correct, not punish. Try not to react with your own emotions or be defensive by punishing your child for what they said. There shouldn’t be a huge consequence for your kid expressing their feelings in a way that hurts your feelings. Children may not know any better than to say that and have no idea how it made you feel. It’s best to work with your child and teach them better ways to express their feelings.
Reflect on what they said and why. Sometimes the words that our kids say cut deep because there may be a sliver of truth to it. Now while it's not true that they hate you, your teen may feel frustrated because you never let them showcase their independence or you're always in their way. Reflect on what changes you could make to make sure they feel more heard and less stifled.
Examples of how to respond to "I hate you 😡"
It's important that you tailor your response to your child’s age.
Toddlers
"Whoa, no, you don’t hate me. But yes, I can tell you are VERY angry right now. Yes, I understand that right now your anger is so big that it feels like hate. Still, no saying, 'I hate you.' But go ahead and tell me how angry you are."
Adolescents
"No, I’m sorry. You may not speak this way to me. But let’s try to calm down first and get to the bottom of what is going on. I can tell you are feeling very angry and overwhelmed. I can imagine a lot is going on and it’s making you feel such strong emotions inside, emotions of 'hate.' It’s hard. I know."
Teens
"No, you don’t hate me. But I know that at times we don’t see eye to eye or it feels like I am in your way or that I don’t understand. You’re right, I don’t always understand, but I want to. It’s OK if you don’t always agree with me. My job is not for us to agree on everything but to hopefully provide you with what you need until you’ll take care of yourself all on your own."