How to fix your kid’s spoiled behavior
Including the different stages of spoiled behavior and how to solve them
By Lori Abosch, Parenting Coach
How does spoiled behavior even happen?
No parent wants their kid to be labeled as spoiled, no matter what age, however, it’s easier said than done. Though none of us like our kids to be spoiled, many of us believe that “spoiled” behavior is a normal part of growing up and treat it as a phase that kids will eventually grow out of. Or worse, that it's a personality trait, instead of learned behavior!
However, neither is true and if not addressed, spoiled behavior as a kid can turn into a lot of difficulties as an adult. Spoiling a child can sometimes make things easier in the short term (e.g. you give in and hand your kid another cupcake), but it definitely makes life harder for us parents in the long run - think the consistent tantrums in the supermarket… Moreover, it can also affect a child’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships with family, peers, and those around them.
Recognizing that your kid may be a bit spoiled is a great first step in identifying the problem, but it is only the tip of the iceberg. The next steps are to figure out the effect on your kid’s development or what we could do as parents to avoid nurturing spoiled behavior. The truth is, kids who are spoiled are not in a ‘phase’ and also not at their core bratty, rude, or selfish. Instead, they are stuck in a stage of emotional development that no longer suits their age.
What are the stages of ‘spoiled behavior?
Spoiled Behavior in the Early Years (1-4 years old): “Demanding”
Most people label spoiled behavior during early childhood as “demanding.” Toddlers and older preschoolers are often called spoiled when they consistently throw tantrums for a number of reasons: to get what they want, when they don’t get what they want, or when they hear the word “no.” From birth, we tend to every physical and emotional need of our babies, because they are completely dependent on them. When babies cry, we respond immediately to satisfy feelings of hunger, fatigue, anxiety, sadness, or illness. This type of nurture is automatic and fueled with love, so it’s not surprising that we continue satisfying these basic needs on-demand as our children grow.
The problem with this dynamic is that with age comes an increased sense of independence. Treating our kids as if they’re still completely dependent infants and not the growing toddlers who are capable of doing things on their own and being patient, leads to unwanted spoiled behavior.
Spoiled Behavior in Middle Childhood (5-12 years old): “Inconsiderate”
By the start of kindergarten, children should have learned how to communicate with adults and peers, wait patiently, and, most importantly, develop a sense of empathy for others. However, if the demanding toddler phase is not addressed, these behaviors will lead to inconsiderate behaviors. This can mean our kid immediately expects attention upon walking into a room, continually interrupts adult conversations, and struggles to be collaborative during playdates. When older kids are not required to wait, are given what they want, whenever they want it, and are given attention on demand, the egocentric stage becomes a more permanent behavior and much harder to adjust.
Egocentrism is a vital part of a newborn's life because they are completely dependent and need 24/7 care, but with age comes the natural desire for independence, self-regulation, and coping mechanisms; meaning the self-centered mindset must make way for the empathetic mindset.
Spoiled Behavior in Adolescence (13-18 years old): “Entitled”
Being an over-attentive parent throughout childhood can create a significant sense of entitlement during the teenage years for our kids. Entitled behavior during adolescence takes the form of kids being materialistic and having high expectations. For example, they expect their needs to be addressed on a whim, to get the nicest clothes, electronics, and the like, without having to earn them. In relationships with parents, teens who are spoiled find it hard to show gratitude, talk back, are disrespectful, and often believe the household rules do not apply to them. In relationships with peers, they are frequently ‘takers’ who have trouble sharing or giving in their relationships.
Not only do entitled teens struggle socially, but because they are rarely provided the opportunity to earn the things they want, or to work hard for them, they have no sense of accomplishment. This can lead to low self-esteem and anxiety. When children work to earn and achieve a goal, they increase their self-confidence and create motivation to work towards other desired goals.
How to solve spoiled behavior?
Solving the Demanding Stage (Toddlers)
Toddlers are rapidly forming deliberate sounds and attaching them to desired objects and people, while two-year-olds use one or more words to ask for what they want. Verbal language requires both responsiveness and opportunities to grow and flourish. If left unacknowledged, our kids will remain in an infant stage of development when it comes to asking and expecting stuff.
For example, if your child, who is capable of communicating verbally, is screaming and you automatically give them food, you unintentionally teach your kid that screaming will get them what they want. Instead, ask your child to use the language they know before giving in to their requests and the demanding behavior will go away naturally. The best way for kids to learn at this stage is for you to be consistent and lead by example!
Put it into practice:
When they scream or cry for water say: “It sounds like you’d really like to have some water. Just say: “Can I please have water?”
If you’ve already practiced and your kid knows how to appropriately ask for things, just give them the opportunity to self-correct. For example: “It sounds like you’d really like some water. Do you want to try again?”
Solving the Inconsiderate Stage (School-aged kids)
As children grow older, they should be able to pick up on social cues. They can then walk into an environment and evaluate if the timing is right to ask a question, join in the conversation or request something. Additionally, kids at this age are expected to play nice by sharing, taking turns, and listening to the needs, feelings, and ideas of friends.
Remedies for inconsiderate behavior include validating needs, explaining the why, and setting clear boundaries. Kids need to understand that their needs are valid, but their needs are not the only needs that need to be satisfied. Actively ignoring unwanted behavior or disruption is another effective way to discourage this behavior and at the same time send an indirect message that waiting their turn is mandatory. Just make sure that you are not ignoring unsafe behavior (e.g. hitting).
For children who dominate play with peers, parents can organize playdates and plan different social scenarios making sure that each child gets a turn to choose a game or activity and, if appropriate, establish the rules and roles. Through our parental guidance and consistent practice of these social cues, children will learn to appropriately assess different situations to know when it is and is not okay to interrupt. They will also come to understand the importance of listening, sharing, and reciprocating in their relationships with friends.
Put it into practice:
When your kid is constantly interrupting: “Hey, I know you really want to say something, and I will get to you when I’ve finished this conversation and it’s your turn to talk. Do you want to hold my hand to make sure I don’t forget to give you your turn?”
When your kid is screaming because they cannot get the toy they want: “It seems like you really wanted to play with that toy. Sharing can be really hard, but in this family, we always share, so that everyone can have a good time. You can play with another toy, or wait your turn. What do you want to do?”
Solving the Entitled Stage (Teens)
Entitled teens who don’t listen, behave disrespectfully, and are selfish will be challenging for even the most resourceful parents. The most advisable course of action is for us to stop giving our teenagers what they want on-demand, to require them to start earning desired items, and focus on building a connection.
Put into practice:
Pick 3 household chores that your teen is responsible for as being part of the family unit. When they complete their chores for the week, they earn an allowance and other privileges. You can use the manatee family app to set goals (chores) + rewards!
Building connection is key, especially with our teens - remember, autonomy and connection are not mutually exclusive. Spend 15 mins of one on one time a day with your teenager. Whether it’s playing a video game together, having tea, or going for a walk - strengthening your relationship will help you become a more effective parent.
Kids 16 and up are old enough to have a part-time job to earn extra money and build their independence. Working hard for things will build their confidence and help them value their belongings because they understand the effort it takes.
In summary, fixing spoiled behavior in teens or young adults is no easy task which is why, as parents, it’s better to prevent it as best we can. Starting when children are young, we can be proactive and not give our wonderful, yet demanding children what they want, when they want it. Instead, we have to require them to calm down, learn to accept the word “no,” build patience, and use effective words to get their needs met.
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Lori Abosch is a parenting coach at Manatee, a virtual mental health clinic for families. If you are curious about how we help parents handle spoiled behavior and bring ease and fulfillment to parenting, book a free 20 minute consultation with an expert.