How to deal with sibling fights
By Mercedes Oromendia, our Chief Clinical Officer
If you have more than 1 kid, you’re probably used to the sound of sibling arguments over the smallest things that sometimes get physical.
“That’s MY toy”, “I don’t want to play that game”, “That’s not fair!”, or “Give it back!”, followed by the sound of a slap. 😶
If you have multiple kids, it’s GUARANTEED that sibling fights will occur. Even though sibling fights are a common thing in families, they can be difficult to manage if you don’t have the right tools.
A lot of sibling arguments stem from this idea of fairness. Your kid might claim it’s not fair that their little sister plays with their toys, but they don’t play with their little sister’s toys. In reality, your older kid might not even want to play with their younger sibling’s babyish toys. This is where the concept of fairness vs equality comes in.
Equality has to do with sameness. Your kid gets to play with their sibling’s toys and their sibling gets to play with their toys. Fair is different. Fair means everyone gets what they need and people will have different needs because we are unique individuals.
To minimize sibling fights over this idea of fairness, try to teach your kids to look inward to discover what they really want. Instead of looking outward and deciding that they want what their sibling has JUST because they have it.
This will bring comfort to your kid whose reluctant to share their toys with their younger sibling. They’ll be able to recognize that while they can’t play with their younger sister’s toys, they’re able to do “big kid” activities such as playing soccer on a team and will be more willing to share.
4 steps to dealing with hitting
Most times, as parents, it’s okay to let them work out their squabbles on their own. But, it’s when they get physical that we have to intervene.
1️⃣ “I won’t let you.” Hold your kid’s wrist and say something along the lines of “I won’t let you hit your brother.” Not only are you physically stopping them from getting in another hit you are also being the boundary they can’t be for themselves at that moment.
2️⃣ See the wish. See the wish underneath your kid’s actions to help them regulate their emotions. Try saying something like “You wish you could be playing with those blocks all by yourself huh?” This will help your child not feel alone in their frustration.
3️⃣ Find another way. Prompt your child into finding an alternative rather than hitting their sibling or peer. For example, you could say “Hey I know you want those blocks right now. What’s something else you could do that is safe?”
4️⃣ Stay close. Don’t allow the behavior to happen again by staying close and watching for any signs that your kid may need your help.