Talking to Your Kids About School Shootings
By David Asch, AMFT & Mercedes Oromendia, Ph.D
As the impact of school shootings continues to cast a shadow over the United States, the mounting anxiety surrounding gun violence is becoming increasingly palpable.
It seems as though every day we are bombarded with news of violence happening in our own neighborhoods, forcing parents and caregivers to grapple with the harrowing aftermath of these tragic events on friends, family, and our broader communities. The incessant exposure to such distressing stories has left parents on a perpetual high alert, and uncertain how to process it, and let alone help our kids process it.
It’s hard for grownups to process, and for kids, it can be even harder. For parents, speaking with their children about shootings can be excruciating. Being intentional and thoughtful when we discuss mass shootings with our children is vital to help them recognize and manage their feelings, foster resilience, and help us connect as a family.
Here are some helpful tips for having tough conversations.
Recognize your own feelings
Before immediately jumping into a discussion with your child following a news report, consider your own thoughts and emotions about what has happened. You will undoubtedly have your own reaction, and taking care of yourself will help be present and empathetic when talking with your child. Moreover, allowing yourself to talk with other adults about what happened enables you to regulate your own raw emotions and show up intentionally for your children when you are able to. Remember, a little bit of self-regulation goes a long way in helping your child manage their emotions and behaviors!
Address the situation honestly but in an age-appropriate manner
It's important to provide information to children about what has happened, but it's also important to make sure that the information is delivered in a way that they can understand based on their age and level of maturity. Use simple language and avoid graphic details.
Limit exposure to media coverage
Watching or listening to news about school shootings can be traumatic for children. Try to limit their exposure to media coverage and instead focus on engaging in positive activities together. Also, focus on the helpers!
Listen, listen, listen
Whether it is at school, home, or other extra curricular activities, kids are expected to answer A LOT of questions every day. Rather than bombarding your child with countless questions to get them talking about their feelings regarding a school shooting, let your kid be the one to lead the conversation. Instead of “Did you hear about what happened? How did it make you feel? Are you afraid? Do you want to talk about it?” try “I’m wondering if you have any feelings about ____.” Even if they are not prepared to talk about it yet, your kid will appreciate the ability to freely express the depth of their feelings when they feel ready.
Validate their feelings
Children may feel scared, sad, angry, or confused after hearing about a school shooting. Let them know that it's normal to have these feelings and that it's okay to talk about them.
"It's understandable to feel scared or sad after hearing about something like this. I feel the same way too."
"I can see why you would feel angry about something like this happening. It's not fair that kids have to worry about their safety at school."
"It's okay to feel confused or unsure about what happened. It's a difficult thing to understand, even for adults."
"I can tell that this news has affected you, and it's okay to feel upset. We'll get through this together."
Reassure them about their safety
Children may worry that something similar could happen at their school. Reassure them that adults are working to keep them safe, and that incidents like this are rare. You can provide concrete examples of who is working hard to keep them safe.
Offer support
Let your child know they can always come to you with questions or to process their feelings. This creates a safe space for them to understand they don't need to pretend everything is okay. It's essential to allow them to express their emotions and tell their story (sometimes multiple times…) to help their brain process the tragedy. For older children, showing your own emotions can be appropriate to demonstrate the need for support. For older children, displaying your own emotions about what happened may be helpful. Again, be sure to manage your raw emotions to be present with your child, but having teenagers see that these events even affect their parents is a powerful display of the need for support.
Another way to offer support for your child is permitting them to speak with a therapist. At Manatee, we believe that youth mental health is of the utmost importance. With a skilled team of child/family therapists and parent coaches, Manatee focuses on parenting confidence and family harmony with goal oriented therapy and habits. If you or your children need additional support, get started with Manatee by requesting a free consultation.