I’m writing this post with a heavy heart, filled with gratitude, anger and sadness – all at the same time. A few days ago we lost our dad, and my 3 kids’ favorite granddad to an awful battle with cancer. So whilst the world is gearing up for celebration, we’re carrying the weight of missing him - the traditions, the memories, the way he brought the family together and made the holidays feel like home.

I know I am not alone. Many families have lost loved ones during the holiday season and the pain of missing someone feels sharper when the world around you is focused on joy. This year I wanted to share what has been helpful for me and my family; different ways to honor your loved ones, feel the feelings, show your kids how to grief and help this shared experience bring you closer.

1. Talk OPENLY about it

Discomfort is well… uncomfortable. Most of us rather avoid the messiness of grief, assume it’s too painful to talk about, so we avoid talking about the person entirely. We often incorrectly conclude that our kids cannot handle it, however, NOT talking about the elephant in the room gives it more weight and power. Instead, keeping them in your conversations is comforting, especially for kids. Mention their name, share memories, and let everyone express their (sometimes messy) feelings.

For our family, it’s been important to talk about Dad openly. We share stories about him - especially the stories he used to tell over and over, and the way he’d light up when we all gathered around the table.

What you could say to your family:
"I know this year is hard without [NAME]. It’s okay to feel sad or even happy when we think about them. Let’s talk about them whenever we want to - we’re in this together."

For little ones:
"We’re missing [NAME] because we loved them so much. It’s okay to feel sad, and it’s also okay to remember happy things about him. Do you want to talk about him or draw something for him?"

For teens:
"This holiday might feel weird without [NAME] here. Whatever you’re feeling is okay. If you want to talk about them, laugh about something they used to do, or even cry, I’m here. I think a lot about them too."

2. Make them part of your holidays

Keeping traditions alive or starting new ones to honor your loved one can help your family feel closer to them. For us, one way we’re remembering Papa is by writing silly poems to each other that we’d read aloud. Something he loved to do every year - especially if it meant he could absolutely roast or poke fun at someone :)

Start a new tradition - whatever is meaningful to your family.

Do something they loved: make their favorite dish, watch their favorite movie etc.
Remember them: light a candle in their memory, hang an ornament for them etc.
Give back in their name: Donate to a cause they cared about or volunteer as a family.

Ask your kids for ideas:
"What’s one special thing we could do to remember Papa? Maybe we can bake his favorite cookies or write letters to him and hang them on the tree."

3. Reset Your Expectations

The truth is, this holiday season likely won’t be the same. And that’s okay. This may be a nice opportunity to reflect and let go of traditions or events that don’t spark joy or feel too overwhelming.

For us, we’re focusing on the things that feel doable and meaningful, like just hanging out together and playing games together instead of hosting dinner parties and trying to do it all.

Say no to what feels like too much: It’s okay to skip parties or decline invites.
Build in rest: Take breaks when you need them - grief is exhausting.

What to say to your family:
"This year doesn’t have to look like every other year. Let’s pick the things that feel good and let go of anything that doesn’t."

4. Kids grieve differently, support them.

Kids process grief differently from adults. They might bounce between being deeply sad and totally playful - it’s how they cope. They can say insensitive things or even joke about it. If that happens, stay calm and explain how this may feel to others around them. Let them express their feelings, and remind them it’s okay to grieve in their own way.

Be patient with their emotions: Grief can come out as anger, clinginess, or even extra silliness.
Provide outlets for their feelings: Drawing, writing, or talking can all help.
Reassure them: Let them know they’re loved, and that their feelings - whatever they are- are valid.
Extra support: If you think your kids or family needs more help, schedule an appointment with our child and family therapists.

When your child is struggling:
"I know you’re feeling upset. I miss Papa too. Let’s take some deep breaths, and whenever you’re ready, you can share whatever is on your mind. I am always here for you."

5. Let Joy and Grief Coexist

One of the hardest parts of grief is letting yourself feel moments of happiness without guilt. Laughing or finding joy doesn’t mean you’re forgetting the person you’ve lost. It just means you’re human and you’re alive.

What you could say to your family:
"Even though we’re missing Papa, it’s okay to laugh and enjoy the holidays. He’d want us to live our life and have those moments too."

6. Don’t seek out grief, let it come to you.

The holidays are hard when you’re grieving, and it’s okay if some days feel heavier than others. When my brother passed away about 15 years ago, my college counselor gave me the most profound advice that I still live by today.

Don’t be alone too much
Keep living your life
Don’t seek out grief, let it come to you.

There is not much utility in looking for sadness, isolating yourself and wallowing. I promise it will find you when you least expect it, and when it does, don’t run. Feel the feelings, share them with your loved ones and find joy in your life.

Grief is a reflection of love - it’s messy, it’s unpredictable, but it’s also a reminder of how deeply we cared. I wish all our families the most wonderful holiday season, filled with deep connection and the messiness that comes with it.

With gratitude,
Dama

If you need any additional support, Manatee is here for you.